Nearing Manhood Without a Dad

The Journey of Resilience for Fatherless Teenage Boys

The author with his father

It has long been no secret that teenage boys face a host of obstacles as they reach the threshold of becoming young men. As young men navigate the social world of high school classes, relationships, and speeding tickets, they must also deal with the confusion that comes from the physical changes of identity development, moral dilemmas, mental challenges, and existential angst. Arguably, the single most helpful tool for boys in pushing through these experiences to become a better human is the presence of a strong father figure. While all boys are different, having an older, wiser man to turn to in the downpour of growing up can assuage many of these aforementioned difficulties. When there is someone to look up to in a household that seemingly has all the answers and acts as a backbone to bolster everyone’s self-assurance, the figurative mountain of becoming an adult doesn’t seem nearly as hard to climb. In the unfortunate, yet common event of a father being absent from a child’s life, the unavoidable hurdles of life can both seem more ominous and become harder to traverse. The experience of losing a father as a teenage boy not only profoundly shapes one's psychological development but also presents unique challenges. These challenges require resilience, personal growth, and a search for new sources of guidance to work through the complexities of adolescence and find a renewed sense of identity and purpose.

When considering the fact that 12.7 million Americans will lose a parent before their 25th birthday, it is apparent that a significant portion of the population experiences parental deficiencies. According to a study published in the National Library of Medicine, the death of a parent during adolescence can lead to increased levels of grief, depression, anxiety, and feelings of loneliness. The study further links the loss of a parent at childhood to a wide range of immediate and long-term effects regarding physical, mental, and behavioral health. Some of the most notable deficiencies include initial emotional turbulence, increased susceptibility to specific diseases, neurosis, depression, schizophrenia, an adverse impact on social and academic functioning, and even suicide attempts later in life. Another report, this one from the Department of Education, discusses how a father’s involvement is linked to better educational outcomes such as improved academic performance, higher graduation rates, and an increased chance of college enrollment. The emotional upheaval that follows the death of a father can affect the teen's overall well-being and potentially influence their social interactions and academic performance, but also their long term goals and outcomes. As is well-established, adolescence is a time of transitions and challenges, including academic pressures, peer relationships, and preparing for adulthood. Without paternal support, a teenager may face great difficulty in sorting out this crucial transition, hindering their long-term prospects for stability and prosperity. 

Filling the Gap Left Behind

On a broad, but critical level, the absence of a father figure during adolescence can disrupt the process of identity development. Without a father's guidance and presence, a teenage boy may struggle to establish a strong sense of identity, resulting in uncertainty, low self-esteem, and difficulties in making life choices. When a father is absent, teenage boys often seek out alternative role models to fill the void. This can be positive if they find supportive mentors or father figures who provide guidance, encouragement, and a positive influence. However, it can also be challenging if they encounter negative influences or lack appropriate guidance altogether. Research conducted by the National Fatherhood Initiative suggests that involvement in community programs, such as mentorship initiatives or support groups, can help fill this gap and contribute to positive emotional and behavioral outcomes for fatherless teenage boys. 

Conversely, the loss of a father during adolescence can in some ways foster independence and resilience in teenage boys. Facing adversity at a young age can teach them valuable life lessons and prepare them to handle future challenges. Even though some individuals may develop resilience through adversity, it is nonetheless extremely important to not overlook the fact that the absence of a father figure creates emotional and psychological struggles for many teenagers. It is also important to note that single-parent households can still be able to create a healthy environment. Single-parent households without a father can provide strong support networks for teenage boys. Mothers, extended family members, or other caregivers can fulfill the role of a father figure and provide the necessary guidance and support. 

In recognizing that supportive caregivers can mitigate some of the challenges associated with fatherlessness, we still must acknowledge the unique contributions that fathers can bring to a child's life. Fathers often play a distinct role in modeling masculine behavior, providing a sense of stability, and offering a mature man’s perspective on life experiences. Given the fact that alternative parental figures can substitute the role of a father, the nuances of the different qualities that each parent bestows onto their children still need to be acknowledged for an effective substitution to take place. Fully recognizing the challenges faced by fatherless teenage boys could lead society to better support and address their unique needs, providing them with the resources and guidance necessary for healthy emotional and psychological development.

A Personal Experience

My interest in this topic is, on a personal level, especially fitting. In aiming to tell the larger story of losing a father in America, I also hope to recount my own story as a means of relating to other young adults who have lost their fathers. There are many different ways that losing a father can affect a young male. In some cases, a father can be such a stain on family life that his absence is actually better than his presence. In my case, it was quite the opposite. Growing up in a house full of love, care, and all the resources I needed is something that I will now be forever grateful for. As a child, I knew my home was one to be thankful for—but I wasn’t able to truly comprehend just how much this healthy, full environment mattered until I forcibly gained some perspective. It is a timeless and unavoidable phenomenon to not appreciate what you have until it is gone. For some ambiguous reason, it is a part of the human condition. 

I can remember countless moments of my own father being a consequential male role model in my life. The way he treated his wife, parents, friends, coworkers/employees, and me was ingrained into my personality from a very young age. My father established that as a man, you in many ways are seen as the support beam for the people closest to you. This role, he taught me, ranges from being an advice-giver to a breadwinner, and an attentive listener to the comic relief. It was made clear to me that you don’t have to be everything for everyone, but you should fill in the roles that are needed at that moment. Sometimes I feel my father should have paid more attention to that distinction, as it seemed he often felt the need to carry the weight of our family’s world on his shoulders. 

One of the primary values that my dad stressed to me was that of edification. Having grown up on a farm in indigent, rural West Virginia, he wanted to make sure that any shortcomings of his childhood were made up in mine. I was sent to private school starting around 3 years old, and a few years later I was encouraged to read books constantly, the contents of which would be discussed in great length over the dinner or breakfast table. There was no melting my brain away glued to a screen during meals; instead, my father would ask me difficult yet thought-provoking and interesting questions about either something I was reading or just something about the world in general. Rapidly, this led to me beginning to ask questions of my own. Through the flame of curiosity, ignited by the flint and steel of my father’s parenting techniques, he taught me about healthy eating and exercise, the importance of a good vocabulary, the reasoning behind a good moral code, and an endless amount of other valuable lessons. 

His positive influence would remain strong throughout elementary and middle school, though I would start to push back being the petulant boy that I was. As high school began, I still looked up to my dad, though the cantankerousness associated with being a teenager was stronger than ever. These last few years of his life are those I regret most. Although it is natural to clash with your father figure at this age, had I known that 2021 would be his last full year, I would’ve put aside the instability of my age and enjoyed my final moments with him. 

I recall in sixth grade describing my hardest life experience as “going back to school after summer break.” That was my longstanding conception of the world, which was tossed into a state of complete chaos following a phone call with my weeping mother on the morning of March 25th. One moment I was enjoying spring break, waking up to the hot Florida sun with my girlfriend at the time, and the next it seemed as if everything I thought I knew was crumbling away. In a state of complete shock, the following months were full of old friends and family reaching out, people sending food/gifts, and the uncomfortably regular rhythm of summer. Even considering the pain I was in, I felt that maybe I was actually okay. I thought to myself that since my dad did such a good job with raising me, I could finish growing up without him. This would be an important sentiment to keep in mind, as after the initial reaction passed and I went off to college, the real battle started. I was displaced from my family, my girlfriend, and the house I had grown up in. With so many changes happening at once, and having surpassed my initial reaction to my father’s death, my mental state slowly and unnoticeably began to deteriorate. 

It came in waves, and it still comes in waves. I took control of what I could in my life, earning good grades, keeping my room clean, and making new friends. Johnny Cash became my comfort artist, as my dad had always loved his music. Simply listening to him on the way to class helped more than most people could imagine. Strong tears to some nostalgic tunes can be immensely therapeutic. Although still struggling and making a series of poor decisions as a result, even with some major setbacks, I felt overwhelmingly that I was getting better. Throughout this emotional journey, the memories of my father's guidance continued to resonate within me, and his words of wisdom echoed through my mind during moments of doubt. While the pain of his absence remained, I found solace in the lessons he had imparted upon me. In the midst of grief, I sought to embody the qualities he had instilled in me: strength, kindness, and determination. I realized that his spirit lives on through my actions, and in that realization, I discovered my own capacity to be a good man.

Before long, a year had passed. Trying to be as honest with myself as possible, I knew there was still much grief within me. At the same time, I am getting back the confidence and positive way of looking at life that temporarily left with my father’s passing. The single greatest thing that has helped to patch up the gaping hole in my life is finding alternative role models who can offer similar experiences to guide me through the dazing experience of being an adult. As imperative as my mother and grandparents were in my upbringing, I felt that I had lost the most important person in sculpting me into a good man. That was until I realized that that person is now me.

In Closing: Learning, and Moving Forward

Now, it is July 2023. In embracing my father's legacy and the values he cherished, I've learned to navigate life's challenges with determination. Though his physical presence may be absent, his influence endures, shaping my decisions and character. I've come to understand that the journey to becoming a better human is not merely about looking up to others for guidance but recognizing our own capacity to grow and lead by example. The path of self-discovery and healing has been arduous, but it has led me to a place of newfound strength and purpose. While I will forever cherish the memories of my father, I also recognize the importance of finding strength within myself. Life is both fleeting and precious which urges me to live each day with gratitude and a desire to leave positive ripples on the world, just as he did in his time with us. In carrying his legacy forward, I strive to be the best version of myself, knowing that I am capable of shaping my destiny and creating a life that honors his memory. In this symphony of life, we often encounter moments of heartache and loss, but it is in those moments that we discover our deepest reservoirs of resilience. 

Michael John Haught, 1.8.1970 - 3.25.2022